It’s 4 am
As it was, almost a week ago.
I’m thinking it must mean something,
The fact that I can’t sleep now
And I’m writing you this
Because it’s never too early.
I love you at 4 am
Not now, but I did a week ago
When we had just got back.
I was half drunk with sleep,
Yet I still waited up for you
Even though it was way too late.
I never claimed to posses you;
Love does not seek to do so,
Yet you had planted your heart
In the shadow of my oak,
And while my roots were nourished
By the soul of the earth,
I felt yours starve.
We drank from the same cup,
Neither of us ever fully satisfied;
Our togetherness was crowded,
Choking the life out of love.
We coudn’t change the course of love,
Even as we headed for treacherous rocks.
Battered, lifeless bodies washed up ashore.
Dark haired girl, you
Rub ashened elbows with the window sill,
Cursing your neck for not being long enough.
You can barely see inside
But you already know how this scene goes,
This is how it looks like from the outside.
You know you will still wear your pretty smile,
Even though it’s too tight around your chest,
As you serve up today’s cut of your soul
And lay it on his plate beside the vegetables
Then feel every bite tear your flesh from bone.
But you still won’t say a word.
Sad eyed girl,
You will learn to upturn the tables and raise hell,
Pick up your self respect laying at the door
Where he will no longer be wiping dusty lies off his feet
As he walks in to claim your body,
Because you own it, you always did.
My heart stops as you reach out
And take my face in your hands.
No words bear more meaning
Than those that curl out of your mouth.
Hurt wraps its fingers around longing
As they both fight to be felt.
Neither of us is surprised by how it plays out:
Me too, I say as I match your smile.
It ends, as usual, when we start pretending.
You say it’s complicated between us
I nod in silent agreement;
It only is because you make it so.
I still remember how it began, you creeping up on me
Like the changing of seasons, I barely noticed the falling leaves.
But I will always swear I saw you coming,
Just to have something to go back and forth about
Because I like our idle banter, and the look in your eyes
When you rise up to a challenge.
Like when the ground was soaked in rain water,
And you led us down that mossy trail in the park .
After two hours I knew we were lost, but I didn’t mention it
For you wore determination like war paint on your face
And when you took my hand just as we found our way back,
I promised myself not to read too much into it.
So when the world was covered in white, and you had to leave,
It took me by surprise how much I feared saying good-bye.
But you stayed a while longer and helped me make a snowman.
I used smooth stones for his eyes so when he would finally melt
We’d know the exact spot where I let the words slip out,
Right before you sighed and pulled me in.
It’s getting warmer every day, there’s something in the air.
It’s the changing of the seasons, I know how to look out for it.
Isn’t it funny, how we all
Wear our hearts on our sleeves?
We keep them hidden
Like the magician does his cards.
We look each other in the eyes
As we promise not to let ourselves fall.
Slowly, you and I make our way
Towards the cliff’s edge.
When we finally come to our senses
We will throw blame like stones
As we pick up our broken pieces.
I will shake the dust off my clothes
Swearing to deny it all as long as you do.
And even as the tears choke me
I will not admit it to myself,
Because I can’t let you win.
Of all the advetures I’ve lived
You and I will ever remain unfinished.
If our life lines chance to cross again
I will crawl over to you once more and
Lie down in the crinkles of your eyes where
Only your tears can carry me away.
Remember our dark places, stuffed
With mumbled words I barely heard,
That day they had me surrounded.
With my back pressed to concrete
I watched your hands pull me apart, then
Like a broken necklace, beads rained on the earth
We didn’t think to collect them afterwards.
Later, we drank in too much of each other
You fell asleep while I hummed all night
The tune of yours and my story
In fear that I’d forget it if I closed my eyes.
My throat hurt by the time the sun came up
So you asked if you could carry on.
As you took me home to rest
I recall our song trailing behind us
And you getting tangled in my hair
Just before your whispered goodbye
Lulled me to sleep.
You must have fallen asleep too
For I woke up to the silence of words forgotten.
How do I clothe my half naked attraction?
Though it has been quite a while,
We all know how these things go:
The secret glances you think went unnoticed,
Heart stopping everytime you hear that name…
Then how every touch sears into your skin
And your arm hairs ripple in…protest?
Maybe I could start acting a little less sober,
Like letting you see beyond what’s in these eyes
And letting myself feel the feather light
Caress of your voice on my heart.
I could even let you draw from my lips
The tales of my tragic past
And let you crawl into my wounds.
I place the mirror by the wall
And sit close to the stranger’s body
Whose eyes look into mine with no recognition.
I resist the urge to look away,
This time I won’t leave till I know her.
I trace every inch of dark skin,
Shut my eyes and hold my breath
Listening to whispered truths
Emanating from this body in waves;
Nothing escapes me.
I will see what they see on this face
When I look up and smile at the sun,
Memorise every breath in my chest
And count the shattering heaves of my heart break.
I will find the point where my tear stains
Meet the furrows of my smile lines,
Then focus on it during all my battles.
I sit infront of the mirror to learn
How to reflect the light of life.
Maybe then I’ll see through myself,
Into the beauty of my being
And find the love within.
I can’t believe how much this hurts
Yet we just can’t seem to feel it
See, all we ever worry about
Is whether I’m okay, or you’re okay-
Are you okay?
I could weep for days if only
I could gather up all of
The broken pieces in my hands
And hold them up to my face,
Watch blood seeping through my fingers…
But I just can’t seem to find them.
Maybe when I no longer picture your smile
And the memories fade from my mind
Will I wear loneliness on my head
And feel its weight bear me down.
Then I’ll let the tears fall along with me
Down, down, down
Then I’ll mourn a loss that I can touch.