Let’s play a little game called ‘I have been’. I’ll go first, okay?
I have been so down that my hair lost its shine. I fact, I am so down right now, my hair’s so dull and sad. The first reason is that I spent so much money on a certain cosmetic product mistaking it for another. It was my fault, really. I should have taken time to read the label.
Secondly, I have just been corrected. It has been a week of that, and it’s only Wednesday. While I don’t mind correction, it gets me down for a couple of reasons: It’s always about something that I have been thinking of changing, something I hate people doing but didn’t realise I also do it, or something that I’ve been doing subconsciously all this time but no one (till now) thought to point out.
Oh wait, there’s one more thing that’s getting me even lower in today’s particular situation. While my mistake was corrected in the most gentle of ways, self conscious ol’ me had to get it in my head that every time I see this person who corrected me, said person will always be judging me about it. That never happens, right? I mean, I certainly do not judge people after correcting them.
Every cloud has a silver lining. My silver lining this afternoon’s that this low feeling I have, just generated a post. When I decided to start a blog, I thought my excitement and gusto to write posts (even if not daily) would last forever! I couldn’t possibly see myself having nothing to write about. Till today. I got home thinking how I really had nothing to say. But that changed, clearly.
|My view from the front seat- Campaign vehicle
I just remembered!! The highlight of my morning was the inter campus ride on the school bus today. I love, love, simply LOVE riding in the bus, sitting right at the front next to the door…! Sigh, simple pleasures!
|Right next to the door
Before I leave, I make a tribute to love! It’s beautiful, sad, magical and tragic. Check out Thought of You by Ryan Woodward It’s a beautiful blend of music, dance, art and love! It really is worth your time.
Have you ever not looked forward to something for such a long time, allowed it to grow into an evil, undefeatable monster in your mind that when that moment comes you might just pass out and die? I haven’t.
OK. I have. Like three thousand times already. So when my ‘that moment’ came this week, I was so surprised at how non-panicky and numb I was feeling. But then again, have you ever began doing something that you’ve feared for quite a while, and as you went along your red carpet of hope began to unfurl out of nowhere, for you to walk on?
|Outside my window, today
I write this with such overwhelming hope for a positive outcome that I might just burst into incredulous laughter! And it feels like the cross of tribulation I’ve been carrying has began to get lighter (or might I simply be getting accustomed to its weight?) and lighter.
As my moment passes (it ends on the 28th) I realise that I must learn to wait.
“When waiting on the Lord, it’s imperative that we wait correctly…not in fear, impatiently, in arrogance or most of all hopelessly. Waiting requires joy accompanied by the belief that your need or request will be provided by God. If it is good for you and will bless you and others, your request will happen” These are the highly paraphrased words of Iyanla Vanzant in her book Until Today.
Do you ever find yourself
But the current carries you
Closer and closer
To the edge of the falls?
Have you ever built a wall
Towering so high
But it is made of sand
And comes down
Before you are even done?
Do you ever close your eyes
From bright reality
But the darkness reveals
An even clearer image
As seen by your heart?
Well, school’s back on- a sparkling, shiny, new year ahead. Boy, am I excited!! Yes, I love school. I love going to school, so much so that I went out to buy book covers (I had used them all up…and I live in a house with three school going kids!!) and other materials. I am among the few university going students who still covers her notebooks and has these labels with spaces where one writes his/her name, school, class and subject. I find it excitingly tidy to do so. I prefer my books still in one piece, rather than a tattered mess at the end of the semester. No judgement to anyone, our variety makes life all that more exciting!!
|China-made covers might make me smarter..?
My Aunt M. asked me how I felt about my being so close to finishing my undergraduate studies. Honestly, it’s a bit scary. I find that there’s a comfort to the routine that is going to school every weekday. And we all know what every adult (not that I do not consider myself an adult) tells us about the big, bad, scary world out there (because I presently dwell inside this safe bubble)! That conversation sort of ended there…
In some way, I hope to always have an educational institution to go to. Lucky me, I might say, since I am in this dynamic and ever changing field of science. School might just be a constant part of my life.
|Tres francais, tres chic!
In other news, I got the most ‘French’ pair of shoes. They remind me of mimes and the flag of France. I love them so much, I wanna wear them to bed!! How deep is my love, people?
There are moments in my life when I am in a position to change the outcome of a certain future event. Now, I’m not saying I have incredible powers of foresight. I mean, changing consequences. An example is a situation whereby one can chose to study for that coming test to ensure that said person celebrates when the results are released.
Like that is not motivation enough (it should be, since it’s akin to holding a bit of one’s future in one’s hands), in these moments I succumb to an overwhelming, bone paralysing, bout of laziness. I have been called Lazy Daisy a couple of times; I really hope it’s not beginning to stick. I always seem to find more important things to do, like writing a new post while doing my nails with my favourite playlist in the background!! Yeah, I know, I am a multitasking miracle. But I really just want to sit and do the important task at hand, and I pray (I consider myself rather religious) to God to give me the grace and strength to convert that WANTING into actually DOING that task…to glorious completion.
Come now, self discipline, my elusive friend.
Thoughts in my mind
Slow way down.
A settling silence
Utter and complete.
Beating in a murmur,
Feeling suddenly heavy,
Like the thoughts
Weighing me down
A little while ago.
Lights in my head
Dim, then darkness.
And for that moment
I am still as death
As if my existence
I’m so excited…really excited!! I got up this morning and decided to create a blog, not to document my life as such, but to write, think my thoughts out loud and just express…things.
I find this to be such a convenient time to start new things in my life, a new year is always the perfect ‘excuse’ for new beginnings. So, hurrah to 2013!!
Why I had not done this sooner may be due to fear. The fear of the pressure to write something different and new and the fear of my thoughts being slightly more exposed to others than I’d like. But you know what? I can totally overcome all this fear and live for me, for the simple reason that is- just because I want to.
What it takes
What does it take…
To let go of the rails
To swim in the deep
With storms and sharks
To let loose a little
To let the wind sway you
Like a tree in the breeze
That could break and fall
To jump in head first
To be totally immersed
Like a heart in love
Stitched after a heart break
To smile at a stranger
To dance in the rain
And laugh heartily
Even if you’re the only one
It takes a dark cloud
A glance upon death’s face
When you suddenly realise what
You have got here and now
It doesn’t have to be that way.
I have a good feeling about this. It’s like opening a Christmas (New Year’s) present!